Loved the way you lied

Lord Tennyson's poetic line 'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all' has rung true to millions of people for over one hundred years. In life, love and loss are common themes, right? You can probably recall a time when you lost at love but it's likely you look back on it wistfully...remembering how great it was to be in loves embrace.

But what about relationships that never should have been?
Relationships where it would have been better to have never loved at all?
Like when love is dangerous - filled with unexpected twists and turns.
Like when a tornado meets a volcano*.

Violent relationships where women are threatened, harmed, pinned down, alienated, belittled.
Where danger becomes a lifestyle.
Where they tell themselves maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems*.

Relationships where episodes of violence are punctuated by their lover's sober periods of regret and the sorries pour out...I'm to blame...Don't go...I can't go on without you...You're my world; the the love of my life.  I love the way you lie*

What is remembered about these relationships... the feeling of a lovers embrace?  Or are the memories dripping with confusion and wondering about how things went so bad?
Memories of feeling numb, broken, isolated, small.
Cautiously inching through life on high alert.
Unarmed in a war zone where love doesn't live anymore

Thankfully, some women come awake,
gain strength and one day say

No more

I've had enough

Maybe they're drunk on hate.  A fuel that drives them to say next time...there will be no next time*.

Still the question remains...Was it better to have loved and lost in those relationships?
Perhaps it would have been better to have never loved at all.

 *Lyrics from "Love the way you lie" by Eminem - with Rhianna, a domestic abuse survivor.
This post is dedicated domestic abuse survivors everywhere with a special thanks to the Manitowoc, Wisconsin Domestic Violence Center. Free, anonymous and confidential help is available to women in abusive situations 24/7 from anywhere in the U.S. by calling 1.800.799.SAFE (7233).

The Art of Not Fighting

Are you able to see an argument brewing? Have you mastered the art of remaining calm while it builds steam? Can you choose not to engage when there's a perfect opening to make your case and keep things stirred up? This is no easy task for a feisty girl like me, but I do understand that force is followed by loss of strength.

So, at times, when the temptation to jump in is too great and my actions aren't loud enough, I say it out loud. "I'm not going to argue with you." Sometimes I'm talking to myself.

I'm practicing letting differences of opinion just sit there, out in the open, in full view, exposed. Even if it means wriggling in discomfort at the mess lying in front of me.

Of course there are things worth fighting, like cancer. But when it comes to debating inconsequential matters, setting the record straight or being 'right' I'm unclenching my fists to let go. With my hands relaxed, open and empty they are free to be used in more meaningful ways.

The Thinker

I think

It's what I do

It's what I'm rewarded for

In business it's a necessary coping mechanism...nothing personal, it's just business.

• It's what's kept me sane (emotionless)
• It's a way to detach (wall to hide behind)
• It pays the bills (is my master)

Thinking has worked well for me for a long time, but I'm considering (thinking) that it's time for a new strategy.

Today I think I know what I want

To stop thinking

To start feeling

My journey from "No"

Growing up, the most common response I recall hearing from my parents was "no"....no discussion, no question asking, just a quick, automatic, pre-programmed "no". I understand that "no" is quite often an appropriate response to a child, especially when she is the youngest of 5 Farmer's daughters, but in these situations...
...Can we give Suzy a ride home from the picnic? no.
..I'm super tired from unloading hay bales all day could I sleep in past 8am tomorrow? no.
...may I have an afternoon snack? no.

Consistency with "no" responses seemed to be my parent's strength.

Inevitably, my first responses as an adult on my own were equally quickly and consistently delivered "yes"es. The result - I over-committed, under-delivered, gave too much of myself away in unhealthy relationships, struggled with boundaries, suffered with my risky/poor decisions, enjoyed the freedom but suffered the fall. I had not developed the ability to apply good judgement, question things, see that I had choices, be rational, think things through, use my head.

But God blessed this broken road, giving me the chance to do things differently once I became a parent. I'm fighting the automatic "no". I'm working toward a middle ground that sounds like...
..."let's talk about it"
..."say more about that"
..."why is this so important to you"

I hope I've inherited my parent's consistency gene, but intend to use it in a different way.

Running in the Rain

It's been a warm, rainy summer here in the Northwoods. The kind where the air hangs so heavy with moisture it's hard to predict if it will mist or downpour.
This is the summer I started running in the rain.

I told myself I'd catch a cold, ruin my new running shoes, look like a fool, upset my carefully styled hair. I didn't listen.
I just stepped out into it.

That voice continued to challenge me....keep it short I'm drowning here...this is non-sense I'm soaked...what will people say when you show up at your kid's soccer game drenched...your mascara is running.

I was able to run farther and with more ease than at any other time.

Perhaps it's the fact that it's just me and the rain out there...the world has gone inside where it's safe and dry.